Subj:   DOE Policy Changes
Date:  Mon, Jul 17, 2000 9:09 AM EDT

Subject: 	FW: Bill Richardson's  News Article
To: All Staff, Los Alamos National Laboratory//CC: Sandia NL
From: Bill Richardson, Secretary of Energy


Dear Staff Members:

Due to an unfortunate overreaction by the Republican Congress
to our minor difficulties in the security area, we're being forced to 
tighten up just a bit.

Effective Monday:

 1. The brown paper bag in which we store the computer disk drives
 that contain the nation's nuclear secrets will no longer be left on
 the picnic table at the staff commissary during lunch hour. It will be 
 stored in "the vault." I know this is an inconvenience to many of you,
 but it's a sad sign of the times.
 
 2. The three-letter security code for accessing "the vault" will
 no longer be "B-O-B." To confuse would-be spies, that security code 
 will be reversed. 
 
 3. Visiting scientists and graduate students from Libya, North Korea 
 and mainland China will no longer be allowed to wander the hallways
 without proper identification. Beginning Monday, they will be required
 to wear a stick-on lapel tag that clearly states, "Hello, My Name Is ...
 ..." The stickers will be available at the front desk.
 
 4. The computer network used for scientific calculations will
 no longer be hyperlinked via the Internet to such Web sites as 
 www.moammar.com, www.swedechicks.com or www.hackers-r-us.com.
 Links to all Disney sites will be maintained, however.
 
 5. Researchers bearing a security clearance of Level 5 and higher
 will no longer be permitted to exchange updates on their work by posting
 advanced-physics formulas on the men's room walls.
 
 6. On "Bowling Night," please check your briefcases and laptop
 computers at the front counter of the Bowl-a-Drome instead of leaving
 them in the cloakroom. Mr. Badonov, the front-counter supervisor, has promised
 to "keep un eye on zem" for us.
 
 7. Staff members will no longer be allowed to take home small
 amounts of plutonium, iridium or uranium for use in those "little weekend
 projects around the house." That includes you parents who are helping
 the kids with their science fair projects.
 
 8. Thermonuclear devices may no longer be checked out for "recreational
 use." We've not yet decided if exceptions will be made for Halloween,
 the Fourth of July or New Year's Eve. We'll keep you posted.
 
 9. Employees may no longer "borrow" the AA batteries from the burglar 
 alarm system to power their Game Boys and compact-disc players during 
 working hours.
 
 10. And, finally, when reporting for work each day, all employees must 
 enter through the front door. Raoul, Rajnee and Kwok, the janitors, will
 no longer admit employees who come to back door.
 
      SIGNED:  SECRETARY OF ENERGY,  BILL RICHARDSON
 
 ps: NOW DARN YOU LABS...YOU DO AS I SAY....OR ELSE!